The British are stressed, writes stressed-out British person

english2english:

image

- Martin Pengelly

According to this piece on Quartz, British people are seriously stressed out. And so, as a seriously stressed out British person, I’ve been asked to write an explanation.

Really? (That’s a British “really?”, drawled as the equivalent of an American “for fuck’s sake”. And no, we won’t be disguising that expletive as the New York Times would, as it did recently in extraordinary treatment of the not notably unstressed British poet Philip Larkin. No sir.)

Seems so. So, then: the piece in question suggests we Brits may be more stressed than ever because Scotland is threatening to go its own way. Balls - if this man gets his way, it’ll be a blessed release.

No, the Brits are reporting stress problems in record numbers because:

i) It’s really wet over there.  

ii) It’s really expensive too.

iii) Both of the above are blameable, by me, on a government of mandate-less rightwing losers which is busy completing the absolute fucking up of the country.

iv) Sherlock’s finished. And series three was a bit irritating.

v) They live in a tiny flat in a brutal city with a kid and a metric fuckton of snow falling every day and then freezing and they’re losing their hair and what is it with New York central heating anyway? Glowing hot pipes that burn your arse when you bend over in the shower? Really?

vi) They’re really stressed. The British, you see, repress all feelings - including love, fraternity, charity, stress and seething, murderous rage. Sit on the tube and look at a commuter. So if they’re now actively seeking help… if they actually want to “talk about” stress and somehow “deal with it”…

vii) Jesus.

Advantage: US.

As Harold Macmillan should’ve said: You’ve never had it so good (compared to us).

viii) I mean, really. FFS.

(Image: Ghoselas.info)

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